February Overview

I'm not much of a wisher. Dandelions, falling stars, birthday cakes...I tend to be more of the (paraphrasing) "if you want something done, do it yourself" mindset. But I was going back through some old files recently, and this line caught my eye:

"always wishing, ever hopeful"

is a snippet from a years-old poem of mine. (1996, to be exact). It's part of the penultimate line of the poem, and it sounds so very unlike me, especially back then. But if you knew the very last words of the poem, it would make more sense:

"and still I linger, always wishing

ever hopeful, gaining nothing"

February felt a little bit like that. I am working on making changes to my personal life and my career, and for now I feel like I'm the girl who is looking up hopefully, but so far gaining nothing...or in some ways, losing nothing. 

I am now moderately drinking wine, after January's no-alcohol stint. And I find that I am drinking less of it, and wanting less of it, overall. But it still seems to have not made a whit of difference in my weight, which was one of my key reasons for abstaining. 

I'm also off all extra sugar, and that has apparently had no effect either! This I find amazingly difficult to believe. I am having no hot cider (with whipped cream) on cold days, I am having no whipped cream on anything...and I am having no candy, chocolate, licorice, frozen yogurt (which I love, and seems healthy, but is really full of sugar). And I'm still exercising regularly three times a week. Apparently I am managing to eat my way through enough calories to keep my weight the same...they're just healthier calories.

I've realized that while I do enjoy "good" food, like salmon or chicken or veggies, I really do consider sweets a treat...and I was treating myself several days a week. But apparently not enough to make a difference in my weight or clothing size? My only hope so far is that I am in the midst of a very slow weight loss that will take at least three months to happen! ~wry smile~ Apparently stronger measures are needed.

But I have noticed some changes...for one, more energy. I am not quite the exhausted soul I was for most of January. Whether that's due to the COQ10, the exercise, or the reduced amount of sugar I'm having, I don't know. But I have been feeling less pain from time to time, and am not wanting to sleep six hours a day PLUS eight or more at night...I'll call that progress.  :)

Career-wise, things are slow too. I didn't hit my January deadlines for submitting to festivals, which leaves a huge gap in my schedule. I could have filled that with...well, "filler" shows, but that's the kind of panicky thing I did last year, and it didn't work so well for me. So I did not allow myself to send in applications for shows that I feel I've outgrown. However...that means very few shows from March - May...a long time to be without my main source of income.

I spent a good portion of January and early February feeling stressed and worried about the looming months. And then I just had to let it go. I have to trust and believe that what I'm doing is what's right for me, that the path I'm on is part of the larger journey, that the Universe will provide. That's big stuff for a girl who has never trusted anyone / anything to provide for her...and pretty much still doesn't. "If you want something done..."

But I am finding that I just can't rush the progress on the jewelry. I did finally get the new items photographed and submitted to a few shows. One of them is probably quite out of my reach, the others, maybe less so...but I'm still optimistic, I suppose. So now I just have to wait see what happens with those. I won't know anything until April 1 at the earliest...all I can do is keep working, keep trying new things, keep growing my skills and also...hope for a little luck in the jurying process

Always wishing...ever hopeful.

*Also, at today's weigh-in, down two pounds from the beginning of the month. *Despite* five days in New Orleans. So it's not a big change, but I'll take it. Better than going in the other direction!  :)

Walking...and Fishing...and Playing with Puppies

I don't usually talk much about my personal life here, but I just lost my father, so I hope you'll  indulge me for just a moment.

I'm not close with my family, but I have / had a deep respect for my father. My dad was a hard worker, a respect-er of women, a man who always put the best face on everything, and the most loyal and patient man I have ever known. I often tease Brett that "I married my father" but in reality I married the best parts of my dad (my husband is also quite long on patience, thank goodness, among his other qualities).

In the last week or so, every blog in the world seems to be talking about new year's resolutions, and though I have several, I think that this one (that I'd posted on another blog) pretty much sums it up:

[My resolution is] To honor my father, who is dying from cancer. His dying has been slow and steady and given me time to think about my relationship with my family, where I am in my own life, and how I want to go forward. 

My father worked his entire life straight through to retirement and never complained. Many of those years were spent working in an un-air-conditioned shop in Phoenix, Arizona...I spent a summer working with him when I was a teenager and it was uncomfortable, to say the least in the hundred-degree temps. The year that he and my mother retired, he was diagnosed with both prostate and bladder cancer. He had surgery, but the prostate cancer was already Stage IV, incurable. 


As the cancer's hold on him has grown, true to form, Dad's never complained. He's taken each change for the worse as practically as he's approached everything else in life. It spread to his bones, and eventually ate away at his spine. He spent a year in a wheelchair. Now he's on hospice care. 

During this time, I left my unsatisfying corporate job and began working for myself. I design and fabricate jewelry, and the actual work is bit messy, a little gritty; most days I'm wearing a work apron and not looking glam in the least. But I think about the kind of messy, dirty work my father did for years. Quality work, made to last. The end results were always beautiful, and he delivered them to ecstatically happy customers.


I'm not restoring and reupholstering furniture, but I'm designing jewelry that has personal meaning for my own customers. My actual work happens in a studio that's turned out much like my dad's shop: gritty. Dusty. Messy. I am a shop girl and like my father before me, quite happy to be one. It's the best way I can think of to continue my dad's legacy.


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 Family get-together, 2004. Dad is in the lower left corner.

I had two long chats with my mother yesterday, and at one point, she said, "I guess he's walking now." And I said, "and fishing" - one of Dad's favorite pastimes. And playing with puppies...that man had a thing for dogs.  :)

Dad taught me the value of hard work and integrity. The satisfaction and joy of making something lovely and special for others. He showed me the essence of loyalty and patience. He was a man of few words but I know without a doubt that he loved me. And Daddy, I love you right back. Always will. If there is a Heaven, I know you have a wonderful place in it.

Mantras: No Pride, No Shame

I posted about my first mantra, "Fake It 'til You Make It" and how it's worked for me. Today I'll tell you about a more recent mantra.   :)

What's on the surface is the same as what's below.  source: Google Images

This most recent mantra is definitely an outgrowth of "fake it 'til you make it", but is pretty much its polar opposite. "No pride and no shame" is one of my current mantras. And just like "fake it", it can be viewed negatively, but it is anything BUT. This represents my commitment to living an open life.

No pride means simply that: I don't want to be too proud, too above risk-taking and looking foolish - too scared to try things - I want to be open to new experiences always.

No shame means no regrets. I strive to live my life in a way that I don't have to hide anything from anyone, that I am fully open and honest both about what I've done in the past and what I do now and in the future.

"Pride attaches undue importance to the superiority of one's status in the eyes of others; And shame is fear of humiliation at one's inferior status in the estimation of others." Lao-Tzu

Transparency and authenticity is my ideal. I don't want to feel ashamed of my past; I don't want to have to lie about what I have or haven't done. For example:

-  I have never done drugs. Not even pot. Never tried, never wanted to. In that sense, I'm as straight-arrow as they come.

- I lost my virginity two weeks before I turned 21. (Yes, you may call me a late bloomer).

- I was deliberately utterly mean to another girl in high school. I planned and orchestrated something that was incredibly hurtful to her. This occurred thirty years ago and it still makes me cringe when I think of it. I am heartily sorry for how I treated her. AND I use that memory to remind me of  how I never want to behave again.

- I don't believe in God. I believe in a higher power and the interconnectedness of everyone and everything. I believe in the Golden Rule. I believe that what we do (or don't do), choose (or don't choose), counts. But I don't believe that the "something greater than ourselvess" is God in the Biblical sense.

Sometimes I am the geekiest girl on the block. Sometimes I'm clueless about things I shouldn't be clueless about. Sometimes I'm brilliant!  :)  But I am me and I want to be an open book to the world. This doesn't mean that I need to share every detail of my life. But when having conversations with friends or meeting new people, if I'm asked a personal question, I don't lie. Depending on the topic (and I'm open to all topics), and how weird / inflammatory / surprising the response seems to be, reactions vary widely. Some people don't like my answers. Some people don't like me. Some folks don't get my sense of humor. I am perfectly okay with that. I like me, and I am living my life in the best way that I know how. That it doesn't appeal to everyone is just fine.  :)

It took a long time to get that comfortable with myself, and sometimes it's still not all that comfortable. I presented only part(s) of myself to the world for a long, long time. And it was a difficult transition from being in hiding to being so open. But accepting my faults and flaws, striving to change them, and presenting myself honestly to others is much healthier than hiding away like I used to. It's scary at first. But it's like laying down an overwhelming weight once you show the real you.

It's changed my life...utterly...absolutely...deliciously! for the better. Once you shed the cloak of fear, you'll be free from worrying about what others think. It doesn't mean you won't be judged. But it means that you won't judge yourself by what anyone else thinks. And getting to that point...well that will make your life incredibly, fundamentally...AMAZING.