I'm not much of a wisher. Dandelions, falling stars, birthday cakes...I tend to be more of the (paraphrasing) "if you want something done, do it yourself" mindset. But I was going back through some old files recently, and this line caught my eye:
"always wishing, ever hopeful"
is a snippet from a years-old poem of mine.
(1996, to be exact). It's part of the penultimate line of the poem, and it sounds so very unlike me, especially back then. But if you knew the very last words of the poem, it would make more sense:
"and still I linger, always wishing
ever hopeful, gaining nothing"
February felt a little bit like that. I am working on making changes to my personal life and my career, and for now I feel like I'm the girl who is looking up hopefully, but so far gaining nothing...or in some ways, losing nothing.
I am now moderately drinking wine, after January's no-alcohol stint. And I find that I am drinking less of it, and wanting less of it, overall. But it still seems to have not made a whit of difference in my weight, which was one of my key reasons for abstaining.
I'm also off all extra sugar, and that has apparently had no effect either! This I find amazingly difficult to believe. I am having no hot cider (with whipped cream) on cold days, I am having no whipped cream on anything...and I am having no candy, chocolate, licorice, frozen yogurt (which I love, and seems healthy, but is really full of sugar). And I'm still exercising regularly three times a week. Apparently I am managing to eat my way through enough calories to keep my weight the same...they're just healthier calories.
I've realized that while I do enjoy "good" food, like salmon or chicken or veggies, I really do consider sweets a treat...and I was treating myself several days a week. But apparently not enough to make a difference in my weight or clothing size? My only hope so far is that I am in the midst of a very slow weight loss that will take at least three months to happen! ~wry smile~ Apparently stronger measures are needed.
But I have noticed some changes...for one, more energy. I am not quite the exhausted soul I was for most of January. Whether that's due to the COQ10, the exercise, or the reduced amount of sugar I'm having, I don't know. But I have been feeling less pain from time to time, and am not wanting to sleep six hours a day PLUS eight or more at night...I'll call that progress. :)
Career-wise, things are slow too. I didn't hit my January deadlines for submitting to festivals, which leaves a huge gap in my schedule. I could have filled that with...well, "filler" shows, but that's the kind of panicky thing I did last year, and it didn't work so well for me. So I did not allow myself to send in applications for shows that I feel I've outgrown. However...that means very few shows from March - May...a long time to be without my main source of income.
I spent a good portion of January and early February feeling stressed and worried about the looming months. And then I just had to let it go. I have to trust and believe that what I'm doing is what's right for me, that the path I'm on is part of the larger journey, that the Universe will provide. That's big stuff for a girl who has never trusted anyone / anything to provide for her...and pretty much still doesn't. "If you want something done..."
But I am finding that I just can't rush the progress on the jewelry. I did finally get the new items photographed and submitted to a few shows. One of them is probably quite out of my reach, the others, maybe less so...but I'm still optimistic, I suppose. So now I just have to wait see what happens with those. I won't know anything until April 1 at the earliest...all I can do is keep working, keep trying new things, keep growing my skills and also...hope for a little luck in the jurying process
Always wishing...ever hopeful.
*Also, at today's weigh-in, down two pounds from the beginning of the month. *Despite* five days in New Orleans. So it's not a big change, but I'll take it. Better than going in the other direction! :)
